Domestic violence is a social issue not many of us are comfortable with. There?s an incredible amount of misconceptions about the type of person it happens to, what it actually involves, and what support the victim receives ?afterwards?. Until you?ve been there, you really have no concept of how utterly destroying it is ? you lose your self-confidence, you lose your self-respect, you lose any control over your life, you lose your ability to even cope. I?ve recently fled an abusive domestic situation; and I?m now having to deal with the reality of what happens next. There?s a social stigma attached to having been through domestic violence, you feel like you are an outcast, a leper in society, like you shouldn?t go out in public without ringing a bell to warn others, and declaring yourself unclean. The common, and often verbalised attitude is that somehow it was your fault, that you were stupid enough to get into an abusive relationship ? it doesn?t start off like that! My husband was charm personified when I met him: attentive, devoted and seemingly utterly besotted ? do you think that if he?d punched me on our first date I would have continued seeing him? Domestic abuse rarely starts with a full-on attack, it?s a gradual invidious process of domination and intimidation, of manipulation and control. The grim reality of domestic abuse is that your problems are not over when you escape from the relationship ? in many ways they are just beginning. In escaping from my husband, my children (10 months and 7 years old) and I had to leave everything we owned behind. We literally fled with just the clothes we were wearing and nothing else. I lost my home, my job, my car, and everything I owned. If Woman?s Aid hadn?t been there for me I would have lost my sanity too; and if my sister and her husband and four children hadn?t squeezed us into their home, we would have been living on the street. It took three months for ?the system? to process my claim for financial support, during which time I was utterly dependent on my sister?s generosity. Even when West Devon Housing finally finished processing my application and recognised that ?they had a duty of care? (it took two months), they were still unable to provide us with any accommodation, because they had nothing available. I was lucky and found a winter rental that they accepted as interim emergency housing ? but it was only ever a temporary measure. Now I have only three weeks left in which to find somewhere else to live ? West Devon Housing still cannot provide me with accommodation because they haven?t anything available. And despite their assurances ?not to worry?, and that ?I won?t be left homeless?, they readily admit there is no housing available, and that they have 22 other families in my position. The fear of not having anywhere to live is destroying my health, it?s impossible to even think about how to rebuild my life with the stress, and worry of it. They?ve recommended I try and find somewhere to rent in the private sector ? and I?ve tried desperately, but either what is available doesn?t fall within the acceptable rent allowance paid by housing, or the landlord/lady specifies no DSS (as though we?re some sort of vermin). I hate being in this position, it?s slowly destroying me, and I really can?t see any hope. I?ve even contemplated returning to my husband, to the abuse and terror, if only to provide my children and myself with a roof over our heads. My 7 year old has been to hell and back. He has had to endure abuse, total disruption of his ?world?, the loss of his home, a total change in his lifestyle and culture, the loss of all his toys, clothes, books, security. He?s only just beginning to settle into a new school and make new friends and recover from his ordeal ? and now it seems probable he?ll lose that too if I can?t find somewhere to live in the area. We are desperate . . . I think this is a situation that needs to be bought to the public?s attention ? so that it can be changed. In telling my story I?m hoping to increase public awareness to the desperate need for more housing to be made available to the ?homeless?, and I?m hoping someone ?out there? might be able to offer me a home to rent. I also want to answer the question I?ve been asked several times . . . ?Why didn?t I leave him before??. . . because I had nowhere else to go, and really that hasn?t changed.
